What to do When Your Boyfriend is Possessed

Dear Paul, I Think My Boyfriend is Possessed

by Paul Kiernan August 23, 2019
Inside the Lab

 

Dear Paul,

I think my boyfriend is possessed and that the thing he is possessed by is trying to hurt me or mess with me what do I do? 

Signed,

Hiding Under The Bed

 

Dear Hiding Under The Bed,

If I had a nickel for every time a person wrote to me to ask my advice on dealing with a demon or a person possessed by a demon I would retire to a secluded island and drink rum til my head fell off my body. I tell you what. Anyway, you’ve come to the right place. I have extensive knowledge of demonic possession, which I learned at the hands of angry, possibly psychotic nuns from a tender age. I myself was once accused of being possessed by a demon but it turned out I was just high on Nyquil, cooking sherry and a peyote button. Admittedly, the Nyquil was overkill.

Demonic possession is a tricky thing and I always suggest you get an expert involved, a priest, a shaman, a clerk from a candle store, you know, someone who is really in touch with their spiritual side. If you can’t get any of those, just stroll the local college campus and grab any guy with long hair sitting under a tree playing guitar for a bunch of moony eyes co-eds. He’ll do in a pinch.

Now, the first thing you need to do is determine if indeed your boyfriend is possessed. Often times mental illness is mistaken for demonic possession. So, your boyfriend could be possessed, possibly bipolar or an incredible asshat. Best to make sure which one he is before proceeding.

hipster man sitting on a bench in a red plaid shirt with a sheet ghost lingering behind him

When a demon starts to take control of someone’s body there are some pretty definite signs. So, ask yourself if your boyfriend is experiencing any of these:

  • Different Voices. A possessed person will often speak in a voice that sounds nothing like their own. Deeper, darker, meaner. They also may start speaking in languages they never spoke before or even studied. So, if your boyfriend sounds different and is speaking in Dutch, then maybe he is possessed. If he sounds like Morgan Freeman, have him record your outgoing voice message before you exorcise him.
  • Different Personality. A possessed person’s personality often abruptly changes. Have you seen this in his personality? I’m hoping that his attacking you, his messing with you is a change in his personality. If it isn’t then, we’re not looking at demonic possession as much as we’re looking at extreme asshattery.
  • New Abilities. Does your boyfriend suddenly have new skills like proficiency with weapons, the ability to defy the basic laws of physics or doing calculus in his head? Maybe he’s possessed. If his new skill set includes cooking, you may want to hold off on the exorcism.
  • Supernatural Knowledge. As a person transitions from boyfriend to demon spawn from hell, they may suddenly have knowledge of things otherworldly things. So if he’s accurately predicting future events or letting you know who is on the phone before you answer …he may be possessed. Or you may have caller ID.
  • The Royal We. Demons are famously self-important and when speaking to mortals they often employ the Royal We. If your boyfriend has started referring to himself as “us” or “we” or calling himself Legion, yup, he’s probably possessed. Or he’s listening to a lot of NPR and he’s just become insufferable.

If any of these changes are present in your boyfriend, he may be possessed. If he is, man take a lot of videos. You could make some serious chedda and get some serious klout on social media so ride it out, sister.

No, of course, I’m kidding, Demonic possession is serious and shouldn't be engaged in merely for recreational purposes or para-mutual betting.

So, if you've done the tests, if you've seen the above-mentioned changes, if he can look completely behind himself without turning his body, then you can safely say your beau has airbnb’d his soul to a demon. So what do you do? Getting rid of a demon is best accomplished by a trained professional. I suggest you call the local Catholic church and get yourself a qualified Priest. Someone who is trained, of strong will, of incredible power. He may be calling bingo in the rectory but, he’ll be worth the wait. Also, note that the priest will be pricey, The going price or “suggested donation” for an hour-long exorcism is about $295.00. And if it works, that is a guaranteed happy ending, Am I right?

If you can’t find a priest or you don’t have the scratch to pay for one here are some other suggestions. Please note that I’m just spitballing here and most if not all of these suggestions haven’t been tried.

  • Fill the bathtub with holy water and hold him in it. Pros: Demon is gone and boyfriend is clean. Cons: Demon may jump into you.

  • Force him to listen to all of the Nixon tapes. Pros: Demon gets bored and drips out of your boyfriend. Cons: You have to listen to all the Nixon tapes.

  • It has been said that the Jonas Brothers will send Demons running, you could try that.

  • And, if all else fails, make friends with the Demon, then start dating the Demon and after three weeks ask the Demon, “Where do you see this going?” The Demon will flee. 


I hope that helps. Again, make sure it is actually demonic possession and it's not that your boyfriend wants to try role-playing or he’s just becoming a complete ass munch. Best of luck.

 

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