THE DATES HAVE BEEN ANNOUNCED. GUYS LIKE SERIOUSLY, LIKE TOTALLY, YOU KNOW, THE DATES HAVE BEEN ANNOUNCED. WE KNOW THE DATES.
Well, you denizens of the online shopping depths, have you heard the news today? Oh, boy! Amazon has announced the dates for it’s famed and much ballyhooed Amazon Prime Day. A day where you can dance your fingers across the keys and sop up some of the best dang e-commerce deals on the internet. Like soppin’ up some of Grandma Gene’s sausage gravy with one of Aunt Lil’s fluffy biscuits … with heroin.
Amazon Prime Day will start Monday, July 15, 2019, at 12 am, PT (that’s 3 am, ET) and come to a close at 11:59 am, PT (That’s 2:59 am, ET). There it is folks, the information you’ve been waiting for.
What is this Mystical Event
For those of you who don’t know what Amazon prime day is … I … I have no idea how to finish that sentence. It astounds me to entertain the possibility that, in this day in age, in this hyper-connected, socially expected time of instant messages and genitalia pics that there are people moving about this mortal coil that do not know what Amazon Prime Day is.
(Sarcasm added for a more robust life-like flavor.)
If you don’t know what it is then, you’re probably still shopping in one of those ...stores. That makes me shudder. You actually leave your house and interact with people? I can’t continue with this ...I’m getting a little sick.
Bigger and Well … Bigger
This year Prime Day promises to be the longest Prime Day to date. That’s how incredibly rich Jeff Bezos is, he can take a day and make it longer. A day has been a day since the Ancient Egyptians divided day-time into 10 hours. But, along comes Jeff and boom, the day is now longer or shorter or wider or whatever this bazillionaire wants it to be because, you know, money.
This year Prime Day is also expanding its scope. The United Arab Emirates has been invited to the party. Yes, indeed all those folks living in Abu Dhabi can now get in on all the deals and sales and geegaws and doodads that the rest of the civilized world has been grabbing up for a while now. Abu Dhabi hasn’t been this excited since Tom Cruise brought his particular brand of crazy to the capital city and hung it off the side of a hotel. Great day in the morning, now we can get a 200-gallon drum of olive oil delivered to our door and Tom Cruise. Who will probably do unspeakable things with the oil but … AMAZON PRIME DAY!!
I know what you’re thinking ... and it’s dirty. Seriously though, you’re thinking but, it’s summertime, a time for family, friends, and travel, will I miss out on all the great deals available because I have stupidly taken the kids to Europe to open their eyes and minds? Nope, you won’t miss a thing. How is that possible you ask? I’ll tell you.
You can get the full benefits of Amazon Prime while on your summer vacation because it will be going on in UK, Spain, Singapore, Netherlands, Mexico, Luxembourg, Japan, Italy, India, Germany, France, China, Canada, Belgium, Austria, and Australia. So, no worries, you can just hole up in your hotel and shop to your heart's delight. I mean, Europe has been there for a couple of thousand years, right, it’ll keep. It’ll keep.
Does All The Magic Happen Only on Prime Day
Are you crazy? Do you actually think Jeff Bezos became a Gazillionaire by practicing moderation? Oh, you big silly. Nope, you can get some great deals on Amazon right now and all the way up to Prime Day. Come to think of it, you can get deals after Prime Day all the way up to Christmas and beyond that. Really, if you think about it, Bezos sells this “Prime Day” bill of goods all year round. There isn’t a day when you can’t get on Amazon and get a deal on something. With free shipping. And a guarantee on sweatshop conditions, low wages, and incredibly high suicide rates. Wait, that’s not Amazon, that’s Apple. My bad. So … AMAZON PRIME DAY!!
Finding The Best Deals
This is the fifth year of the Amazon Prime Day and everyone knows the fifth anniversary is the appalling greed anniversary so Jeff Bezos should be sporting some serious wood this year.
How do you get the best deals on Amazon Prime Day? Well, you can make a list of what you need, scroll through the site, find those items and buy them. Or you can go online and read one of the over ten thousand blog posts about how to get the best deals on Amazon Prime Day. Spoiler alert; they all say make a list, scroll through the site to find the items on the list and buy them.
But some of them have stats and charts and the history of the day and a place to sign up to sponsor an Amazon worker in Cambodia. For only a dollar a day you can give an Amazon worker a dollar a day.
How to Prepare
Sir Edmund Hilary and his trusty Sherpa guide, Tenzing Norgay, prepared and trained for two solid years before they attempted to ascend to the top of Mt. Everest. So, using that as a blueprint, I’d suggest the following preparations.
Start drinking at least three weeks before the actual day. Start easy, beer, wine, if you’re some kind of Luddite then, drink mead. In the first week, you want to just hit the edge of a decent buzz.
Week two introduce hard liquor; bourbon, whiskey, tequila. You can do mixed drinks but always add twice the recommended amount of alcohol to each beverage. Amazon Prime Day!!
Now we’re into week three. Eyes on the prize. This is when you start chasing the green fairy. Yes, my friends, I mean Absinthe. You should go careening into prime day hallucinating and babbling like a Mongoloid duck in rush hour traffic. On the day, the day of days, keep the liquor pouring but offset it with some extremely strong, inhumanly hot coffee. Like burn the roof of your mouth and get those stringy bits of flesh hanging down for weeks, hot.
You’ll be tempted to be sober but don’t give in to that temptation. Amazon Prime Day is best experienced as a drug-fueled bacchanalia where you experience in equal parts buyers remorse and the unabashed joy of indulging in all the choice cuts of capitalism.
Now, here’s the most important part; on Amazon Prime Day, Monday, July 15 at 12 am PT, turn on your computer, go to amazon.com and … buy shit.
So, there it is, the inside scoop on Amazon Prime Day. Mark your calendars, set your watches, stock your liquor cabinets and get ready to fill the bulging coffers of Jeff Bezos. If you miss it this year, don't worry, next year it will be a full six days long and it may include mail order spouses … one can only hope.