Dear Paul,
My boyfriend and I have decided to do dry January. We noticed, during the holidays, that we went to bed drunk more times than not and decided to try the month sans booze. All was well until I met my boyfriend at a bar after work for a friend’s birthday party and saw he was drinking. He explained to me that dry January doesn’t mean no drinking; it means less drinking. We got in a fight about it. Is he breaking the rules? Is he cheating? Should I no longer trust him?
Signed
Sober Girl
Dear Sober Girl,
No, he’s not cheating, he didn’t break any rules, and as far as trust goes, have you worried about that til now? If not, then I say you can continue to trust him. However, he may have a drinking problem, and he may need a little help.
A word on dry January.
Dry January began in 2012 as a public health initiative from Alcohol Change UK, a British charity. Now, millions take part in this health challenge every year. The idea is to examine your alcohol intake and make the conscious choice to forgo beer, wine, or hard spirits all month long. The idea is that you will explore how much you drink, and if you’re not a member of the House or Senate, realize you’re drinking too much and either stop entirely or, after the month ends, moderate your drinking.
The whole thing has been adopted by millions worldwide, and now dry January is, well, a thing.
And, like all things, people approach it with different levels of commitment. I have several friends participating in dry January, and here are the levels I have encountered when discussing the month with said friends.
(All names have been changed because this is just a fake article I’m writing to fulfill a quota, and I don’t actually have any friends.)
Jenny.
She’s 36 and single and is attacking dry January with a practical view. She drinks only when she dates. No one wants to talk about being dry or needing to cut down on their drinking on a date; it could be a red flag and send someone away. So, never during the week, unless she has a date, and on the weekends, only if she’s on a date or going to a party to meet potential dates.
Mike
He’s going about it this way: he’s replacing all his alcohol consumption with juice or water consumption. No booze at dinner, no beer while watching the game, no after-work cocktails with the team. Just juice and water. Now, his wife says he doesn’t drink at parties, but she confesses, and he admits he drinks a few beers when doing yard work on a Sunday because that’s his right; after working hard all week and denying himself, he deserves to have a few beers while mowing the lawn.
Albert
Now, Albert takes this thing to an extreme. He sees dry January as a complete, make an absolute commitment, or don’t bother. Why do this halfway, he asked me, if I’m going to have a dry January, it will be dry all month long. Thus, Albert has sworn off all liquids. No beer, wine, or spirits, but also no water, juice, whatever. He avoids purposefully consuming any fluids for the entire month. This is his second foray into dry January, and he manages to survive with a loophole. His loophole is “ purposefully consuming,” which he defines as taking a liquid and, on purpose, pouring it down his throat. If he, say, sits at a bar and absent-mindedly wipes the condensation off a nearby glass and then sucks his fingers, he is still okay. He didn’t do it on purpose. He managed to survive last dry January with pruned fingertips and a nasty case of dysentery, but he didn’t drink.
The point here is dry January has no rules; it’s voluntary, and if you don’t make it, no one will lock you up or beat you. Your alcohol consumption is yours to deal with. If you feel you’re drinking too much, then it’s not a bad idea to examine that and maybe do something about it. That’s you.
Your boyfriend needs to approach dry January with his own goals, and judging him, especially if it turns out he has a problem, isn’t going to help.
Alcohol consumption was at its highest spike in fifty years during the pandemic. A lot of people used alcohol to deal with the madness we were facing, and that’s okay. But it’s also okay to say maybe I am drinking too much and need to slow down. Too much is different for everyone. I was on a bottle of bourbon a day, at night, alone in my apartment, when I finally said, I wonder if this is too much? Turns out it wasn’t if I were a small European nation. But, as an individual, yes, it was too much.
Dry January is not a contest, it’s not a rule or a law, it’s just an idea, a suggestion, so you approach it how you feel you can get the most out of it.
If you can’t make it through the month because you NEED to drink, you may have a problem, and if you do, don’t be ashamed; just get help. Call SAMSHA; they are always there with advice and will point you in the right direction.
There is nothing wrong with drinking; just use your head and think in moderation. The point of dry January is not to get the world to stop drinking; the Irish wouldn’t stand for that. Oh, unclench, I’m kidding. It’s a time to think, see if you’re in control, and if not, to do something about it. It’s your choice. Always.
I hope that helps.
If you have a question or a problem that you think Paul can help with, drop him a line at paulk@thoughtlab.com. He’ll try to answer. Which may or may not be a good thing.
