a dark hallway and a door opening into red
a dark hallway and a door opening into red

Dear Paul, Lost Sock Opens Doorway to Another Dimension.

Paul Kiernan

First off, let me assure you, you are not alone. There are multiple stories of the missing sock dimension. The first was relayed by Mrs. Earmont Clover of Gasblot, West Virginia, in 1942.

Dear Paul,

Recently while doing the laundry, I noticed one of my husband's socks was without its mate. I looked into the dryer and saw the tip of the sock sticking out of the back interior wall. When I pulled it, a door opened to another dimension. I felt warm and welcome and wondered, should I go into the new dimension?



person with their upper body in a commercial dryer

Dear Laundronaut,

Ah, yes, the missing sock dimension conundrum that’s a tough one.

First off, let me assure you, you are not alone. There are multiple stories of the missing sock dimension. The first was relayed by Mrs. Earmont Clover of Gasblot, West Virginia, in 1942. The commercial dryer had been on the market for roughly two years when Mr. Gasblot gifted one to his wife for her birthday.

After using the machine for a month, she realized that several of her husband’s best socks were without mates. Much like yourself, she looked into the machine and saw the tip of his favorite pair of blue argyles sticking out of the back wall. With a fierce tug, she opened the door to another dimension.

Terrified, she quickly extracted herself from the dryer and spoke to no one about it. Several weeks later, she once again saw the toe of a sock sticking out and yanked open the door to this new dimension. This time, she tied one end of a king-sized bedsheet to the bathtub, the other around her waist, and entered the doorway.

Several hours later, her husband returned home from work. Calling out to her and getting no reply, he began to search their house. Finally, he entered the laundry room and saw the sheet stretching from the bathtub to the dryer's interior. A naturally curious man, he grabbed hold of the sheet and gave it a mighty pull. He felt resistance, so he pulled harder. After a brief struggle and one last mighty heave, Mr. Gasblot pulled his wife from the dryer.

Mrs. Gasblot seemed fine, normal, and at peace. She explained little to her husband, sharing only that she had to do “a bit of spelunking” to retrieve his favorite socks. But, as the weeks passed, Mr. Gasblot noticed some changes. His wife often hovered about 3 inches off the ground when making breakfast. She also developed the ability to understand certain animals, and she and the dog often shared secret laughs. Eventually, Mrs. Gasblot developed the power to move objects with her mind, affect the weather, and do complex math problems in her head. She also started building replicas of the dryer in various mediums and set them up in little alters about the house.

Her husband grew increasingly alarmed and one day forced her to see a doctor. The doctor pronounced her fit but a little distracted and prescribed a trip to the Battle Creek Sanitarium. The night before departing, she walked into the laundry room and was never seen in her hometown again.

Over the proceeding year, images of Mrs. Gasblot were spotted in pictures of Rio, Greece, and London. She was also spotted in the background of several major motion picture MGM musicals. When her husband passed away some 52 years later, people at the graveside spoke of a shadowy figure, off in the distance, among the trees, they said looked exactly like the lost Mrs. Gasblot. The only thing was, she hadn’t aged at all.

Results may vary.

close up of a cockroach

Although it may seem exciting to move to another dimension, be aware of certain pitfalls. For example, if you go to a dimension where you already exist, you may get your alternative self into trouble if you inadvertently break the law. And science still cannot answer the age-old question; “If I die in another dimension, do I die in all dimensions?”

Now, you may go into another dimension where you once existed. In this case, you may run into people who attended your funeral, in which case you’re sure to freak the living shit out of them.

Also, there is the possibility that you drop into a dimension where you never existed, but it is very similar to our world. In this case, you’d have no papers, no way to explain your interdimensional travel, and if the world is a fascist one, you may end up in a work camp or trapped as an intern for NPR.

The problem is, if there are infinite dimensions, where you end up is a crap shoot. You could end up in a dimension where everyone constantly does push-ups or doesn’t eat food with their mouths, or you're forced to jump out of giant cakes to make a living.

And, of course, there’s the possibility that once you enter anotehr dimension, you’ll never get back. Or, you’ll do something stupid in that dimension, and it will recoil through all dimensions. How bad would you feel if an action you took in one dimension yielded a President Justin Bieber?

My advice is to take it slow. Send offerings to the dryer dimension and see what happens. If possible, start a correspondence with the dwellers of the dryer dimension and see where that leads. You should always get as much information as possible when traveling to another dimension, always.

If you decide to venture into the dryer dimension, as many before you have, anchor yourself to this dimension in some manner, a rope, chain, or king-sized bedsheet, and make sure you bring Twinkies with you. Yes, Twinkies. They are timeless and will survive a nuclear holocaust, and they can be used as burnt offerings if giant benevolent dictator cockroaches rule the dimension you go into.

I hope that helps.