The thing to remember is that we are all animals, and deep in our lizard brains is the drive to procreate.
Dear Paul,
I have been with my boyfriend for three years, and recently, he asked me to marry him. I love him, but I hesitated and said I needed time. How can I be sure marrying him is the right choice? How can know if he’ll, as he says, love me forever? Will the romance die or will we always be like this, happy and in love?
Signed,
Hopeful Romantic
Dear Romantic,
Are you the same today as you were when you were 12, 17, 22? If you said yes, I am, then how you feel about him will never change, and you will be a Hopeful Romantic with him til the day you both die.
If, however, you’ve changed as you’ve gotten older, then you know we all change, we all grow, and what we want in our lives also changes.
The thing to remember is that we are all animals, and deep in our lizard brains is the drive to procreate. The more people we create, the better chance our species has of remaining on the planet. We are not so removed from our four-legged brethren as we think. For the animals in the woods, they have a biological imperative to procreate, and so do we. The difference is we have the ability to understand our emotions, and we have labeled this drive to procreate as “love.”
That initial burst of love is nature's way of keeping the species alive. Those wonderful butterflies in the tummy, the sweaty palms, and the need to see that other person are all just ways that nature has taken our animal instincts and dressed them up to satisfy our intellects and make us think we’re above the animals in the forest or the dogs copulating in the Walgreens parking lot. We are, and yet, we aren’t.
Instead of asking if he will love me forever, ask how will we love each other forever. When the initial flush of I cannot be without him turns to I want to stab him in the eye with a streak knife, how will you still love each other?
Poets and troubadours don’t write songs about that throwing out the trash, mowing the lawn, cooking dinner, working to schedule a date night, kind of love. That’s the reality, but it isn’t as sexy and exciting as the explosive passion of new love. Time, age, and experience change all that.
That doesn’t mean that the love is gone; it means it has changed, and actually, it has gotten stronger. It no longer relies on love being blind; we see the realities of each other, we experience life’s ups and downs together, and the initial blush of passion that brought you together steps aside, and something deeper, more meaningful, and more lasting takes its place.
If you can see yourself loving this person when it becomes a day-to-day thing, then you’ll be fine. Being realistic about love allows you to keep growing with it, not staying stuck in the “we used to be …” mindset. If you grow together, listen and respect, remember what brought you to the marriage in the first place, and remain realistic, then you will be okay.
The answer is, nope, you’re not always going to be like this because this changes every second. If you keep communicating and keep a hand out to help the other one up as you grow, then you will have a deeper love, a longer-lasting love, and you will be fine.
I hope that helps.
