True, that’s some bad craziness, I must say; however, you’re not alone. Nope, it’s a fact. There are historical references to food love and people taking food as lovers. There are even records of people who have gone as far as marrying foodstuffs.
Last night my boyfriend and I went to dinner at this pizza place in town. We both love it, and I actually introduced my boyfriend to the place. We’ve gone many times. I always get the same pizza. They are Neapolitan pizzas; he can usually eat one by himself, and I can eat about three-quarters of one. But … soo good. Anyway, he stopped me from taking a bite of my pizza last night, and he told me he loved it. And I said yes, I do too… Look, I could go on but suffice it to say, he love loves the pizza. Like he love loves it. Like he is sexually attracted to this pizza. Right now, the pizza is sitting on the couch with him, watching When Harry Met Sally. What do I do?Quote:
Well, here’s the thing, since the pizza was fresh, it’s going to be naive, so I would suggest taking it aside and having a serious conversation about birth control with the pizza. Make sure the pizza understands the physical repercussions that can arise from, say, unprotected sex. Does that sound like a good plan? Does that sound like practical advice? How about this; maybe you should get a divorce lawyer, and since your guy likes pizza, perhaps you could get a truckle of cheese as a lawyer.
Sorry, I lost my mind for a moment there. I’m back.
You’re confused? I’m with you, but I think we can get through this.
True, that’s some bad craziness, I must say; however, you’re not alone. Nope, it’s a fact. There are historical references to food love and people taking food as lovers. There are even records of people who have gone as far as marrying foodstuffs. Under Pope Leo X, the Catholic Church recognized and performed marriage ceremonies for lower-level nobles to food.
The Pope himself presided over a marriage between Elmo Shutterlink, Duke of Lower Saxe-Meiningen, and a nine-gallon, pewter ewer of egg salad. The Duke had recently made a
sizeable donation to the church. The marriage lasted one month when, in a fit of sexual passion, the Duke nibbled on his bride. The Duke was struck almost immediately by Staphylococcus aureus. The immediacy of the event was well documented by the Duke’s chambermaid, Adele Dewalter. She remarked in a very detailed diary entrance:
“He leaned in to kiss his bride, for he was always kissing on her and huggin’ her as well. I did, admittedly, detect in meself, a twang of jealousy. Then he dipped his hand into the ewer and slipped his fingers in his mouth. Before I could even turn away, the master exploded out bof ends. It was a fright.”
The will, written by the loving Duke, left all his worldly possessions and animals to the ewer’s family, a pewter and copper serving for six.
So, you’re not alone, and, honestly, what your boyfriend is feeling is not unusual. It’s called Sitophilia. Arousal by and for the use of food. So, yay, everything’s cool. Your boyfriend is going to dump you for a pizza.
I don’t think it will last.
Here’s what I advise;
Be patient—both with the pizza and the boyfriend. Right now, neither knows what’s going on. You can help them through this.
Listen. Listen. Listen, and then listen some more. Make sure you’re hearing your boyfriend right now. You may tend to hear what you want to hear to make sense of all this but don’t. Listen, he’s trying to make sense of it as well.
Find out what you can about the pizza. I mean this in two ways; find out its likes and dislikes, background, and family life. Show your boyfriend you’re making an effort. The other way, find out about her past, her mistakes, her dark corners, has she done time, anything you can use in the fight that we all know is coming.
Observe how he is with her. I know it’s going to hurt, but soon, she will become dry and chewy; she will have lost her heat and visual appeal long ago. So, until then, see what she does that makes him happy, and maybe you can find that in your relationship.
Start wearing cheese.
Try to use their new language. When you go to bed at night, ask him if he minds if you go sauceless … see what he says.
Look for patterns. Is he lingering in the frozen pizza section? An extra-large, supreme with self-rising crust in his hands? That could be a sign.
You also have to ask yourself the tough questions; do you love him enough to try to work through this? Can you trust him around buffets? Does this ruin pizza for you forever, or can you see a day when you might have a slice?
All relationships have some trials in them. That’s how you see if it’s real, going to last the long run, or if it’s not meant to be forever. Nothing wrong with either one. This is a good chance for you to define which your is.
Don’t be afraid to put your foot down. If he loses interest in the pizza and then wishes to rekindle his relationship with you, don’t be scared to set ground rules: no more time alone with pizza or foods in the pizza family; calzones, savory stuffed breads, English muffin pizzas, pizza bites, be vigilant, he needs to know the boundaries.
Don’t engage in any kind of quid pro quo behavior; don’t buy into that “even the score” mentality. It’s going to be difficult for you now. You’ll find yourself lingering over a slice of cake, a cupcake, a strudel … tempting, and you may feel justified due to his past proclivities. Getting even doesn’t help in moving forward.
I hope that helps.