Making a resolution puts pressure on us and then, if we fail, we feel worse, and usually we go deeper into our vice. If you resolve to drink less in the new year and you find yourself on the couch with a tumbler of bourbon on a Saturday afternoon, you may suddenly think, well, I failed at that, may as well go all in.
Fast away the old year passes. Hail the new, ye lads and lasses. Celebrate and fill your glasses. Or some such thing. Well, sports fans, the year 2025 is about to take its final bow, and the curtain will rise on the baby new year, swaddled and cute. We welcome this lad, this tot, this hopeful sign of a new year. New hope, new dreams, and of course, resolutions. Is anything as stressful as the New Year’s resolution? I don’t think so.
In crowded rooms around the world or even in small apartments with one occupant, as midnight approaches, resolutions are going to be made. Some will be shouted in loud groups, “I resolve that in this new year, I am going to marry Alexandra.” Some are whispered to mirrors in dimly lit bathrooms, “I resolve to be more social and stop being afraid.” So are quietly whispered before the party, “This is the last year I do this, I am done, and I resolve not to do things that I hate in the new year.”
All these resolutions, no matter how they are delivered into the universe, are made in earnest. When people make resolutions, they mean it, they ARE going to get healthy, they ARE going to marry Alexandra, they will stop doing things they hate. When they say these things, they mean these things. And then time, reality, and a new series on Netflix come into view, and all that goodwill and wise intentions go out the window, and we think, there’s always next year. We cloak ourselves in hope on New Year’s Eve, only to find ourselves naked and shivering as the new year grows older, becomes stooped and frail, and we realize we just didn’t get around to joining a gym, or slowing our drinking pace, or getting along better with our mother-in-law. We had an entire year, and we tried, we really did, but keeping a resolution is just tough when you have to raise a family, work a job, do groceries, see the doctor, and mow the lawn. So many things get in the way, and our good intentions slip away quietly and wait in the wings with the next baby new year.
So what do we do? We know some things need to change, we know we want to be better, feel better, look better, but getting there is so hard. Making a resolution puts pressure on us and then, if we fail, we feel worse, and usually we go deeper into our vice. If you resolve to drink less in the new year and you find yourself on the couch with a tumbler of bourbon on a Saturday afternoon, you may suddenly think, well, I failed at that, may as well go all in. Then the tumbler is exchanged for a bottle, and the thought is, "Next year, I’ll do it."
Most people make resolutions to start the new year on a positive note. No one makes a resolution they know they will break on day one of the new year; that would be crazy. No one says, “This year I resolve to go back to school, finish my degree, get that promotion I deserve, and start living a better life. But, not really.” No one makes a New Year’s resolution that they are knowingly going to break or ignore. No one does that. But maybe they should.
Why Invite Stress
Let’s be honest here, okay, does anyone really like making New Year’s resolutions? Seriously? The resolution is usually made under duress or the influence of alcohol, and in the morning, few people think, " Yay, I resolved to start running every day starting right now. Usually, the morning after the party, the realization that you’ve resolved to get in shape, eat better, save money, and make a budget is greeted with not before I have coffee and not this month, there’s too much to do.
Let’s face it, the New Year’s Eve resolution is just a bucket of stress clouded by an abundance of margaritas that come back to bite you in the ass with the first rays of sunlight slamming into your head the following morning.
With all the products and services that claim to relieve stress, why would you go and welcome stress into your life by making a New Year’s resolution?
And it’s not just the silent personal failure that comes with the resolution, it’s the friends who are being helpful and keeping you on track, who say, “Didn't you make a resolution to slow the drinking down,” as you welcome your third martini to the table. Or your wife saying in May, “Didn't you resolve to finally clean the garage and put a workbench in there so you can fix stuff around the house?” Those helpful reminders of what you resolved to do while you were in the throes of drunken revelry and having the BEST NIGHT OF YOUR LIFE.
Making a New Year’s resolution is not helpful, it’s not aspirational, and it’s not a law. You don't have to make a resolution as the ball drops, as the countdown begins, as the last toast of the night is made. Look around at that moment, see the faces around you. The ones who are happiest are the ones who long ago said, “Screw the resolution, I’m not going to follow through anyway, why bring that kind of pressure and stress into my life?” They smile, shout Happy New Year, and have a lovely night because they know they’re starting the new year with hope, not stress. Joy, not an unreasonable goal that is going to be ignored. The ones who truly have a happy new year are the ones who don’t shackle themselves with an impossible task on day one that will eventually lead to failure. Why invite the stress?
A Viable Alternative
Now, some will argue with me. Paul, you’ll say, I made a New Year's resolution twelve years ago to get in shape and live a healthier life, and in that time I ran two marathons, climbed Mount Everest in a Speedo, and started an animal clinic. Well, good for you, you’re one of those people, and I am sure you’re happy and eating grains. But for the rest of us, the average Joes, the ham and eggers of the world, the New Year’s resolution is just a barrel of stress and an off-ramp to abject failure.
Now, the easy solution is no resolution, right? Wrong. There is pressure in that choice as well. When you tell people you don’t make resolutions, they fight you. But you have to, they say, that’s part of the fun. Fun? Now, before you reach for the shotgun, you have to understand that most of the people who find making New Year’s resolutions to be fun are the same folks who like to climb sheer rock walls with just a pair of boxer briefs and a bag of sidewalk chalk. These are the ones who find kayaking across the country, even when there’s no water, to be fun. The kind of people who get up at 4 AM on a January morning in the Pacific Northwest just to jump in the frigid ocean and take a swim. In other words, people you definitely do not want to follow or take advice from.
I am not one of those types of people, so you can feel safe taking my advice on this one point. I don't climb things, bike places, or leap off things with a rubber band tied around my ankle. I am a regular ham and egger who used to get caught up in the whole New Year’s resolution mania until about seven years ago, when I finally said, "This is lunacy," and I stopped.
Now, I didn't just stop cold turkey; that’s dangerous. If you try to do that, you’re going to fail. You’ll find yourself at a New Year’s party, you’ll be feeling good, feeling the love, and then people will start sharing their resolutions, and, of course, you don’t want to be the only one not making one, so you’ll give in. This year, I resolve to finally turn that empty room in the back into my office. And people cheer, that feels good, so you keep going. And in that office, I am going to write my novel. And the cheers and encouragement get louder, and so you keep going. And I am going to turn that novel into a screenplay, and it will win an Oscar. The crowd goes wild, and there you are holding the newly born resolution. As you look down at the mewling, puking wad of stress in your arms, you think, what have I done?
What you’ve done is try too hard, too fast. You don’t just quit the resolution; you have to ease your way out of it. Simple responses like, “I haven’t nailed it down yet,” or “My wife hasn’t told me what it is yet.” Those work, and one of them will get you a laugh. You could also go the easy route with “I never say them out loud, then they won’t come true.” Hopefully, no one will point out that’s the rule when making a wish as you blow out birthday candles and blow your whole game.
That will ease you into foregoing the resolution, and it will give you a good chance of succeeding in not making one.
But there is a sure-fire way to make a resolution and stick to it. One that won't cause you stress, and it alleviates some of the stress of the season. I’m talking about the unbreakable resolution.
The Unbreakable Resolution
If you’re done with the excuses, the hemming and hawing around New Year’s, and you’re ready to scrap the guilt that comes in the new year when you fail miserably at keeping your resolutions, the only answer is the unbreakable resolution.
But, Paul, you say, I have made resolutions every single year of my life since I was seven, and I have never been able to keep one. I have never been able to go a full year without breaking my resolution that I put time and thought into, and I have never been able to make it through a year. How is it possible to create an unbreakable resolution?
Now, some will counsel that you need willpower and fortitude to make a resolution work. If you resolve to work out, you need to get your butt to the gym. No one can do that for you. You have to carve out the time, put things on the back burner, and get to the gym. Then, three months into the new year, after you’ve bought the “cute” workout clothes, the new bag, the water bottle, and you’ve paid your membership, but you have not once stepped into the gym, you can open your life to guilt and shame.
Or, you can opt for the unbreakable resolution.
The unbreakable resolution is very simple and freeing. Here’s how it works. When it comes time to make that all-important New Year’s resolution, you simply resolve not to do something that you’d never do anyway. For example, last year I resolved to stop risking my neck and climbing mountains. Great! No one knows that I have never climbed a mountain; no one knows that I have no intention of ever climbing one; all they know is that I have decided to be a little more careful in my life and to stop risking my life climbing mountains. They will think, Oh, someone who cares about him has asked him to stop. Or, how sweet he’s giving up something he loves so he can have more time with his family. Or whatever warm and fuzzy they want to fill their heads with. The point is, I have never climbed, never will climb, have no desire to climb a mountain, so that works perfectly as an unbreakable resolution.
Doing It Right
If you want to do the unbreakable resolution right, it takes time, thought, and a little planning. Here’s what I mean.
It’s early December, and you know resolution season is just around the corner, so you start planting the seeds. In conversations at parties or just shooting the breeze at the office, you casually drop in that you’re thinking of becoming an alpaca farmer. Just mention it and let it sit. Then drop a few brochures about alpacas around and claim them loudly when they get found. Oh, those are mine, thank goodness you found them. Can't start an alpaca farm if you don’t know about alpacas. The seed is planted deep.
Buy a stuffed alpaca and say it was a gift. Wear an alpaca T-shirt to the company outing. Drop helpful facts about alpacas whenever possible. Talk about feed, water, acreage, and all things related to alpaca farming. Then, as the new year gets closer, create a problem. My wife hates the smell of alpacas. The HOA says I’m not zoned for hoofed animals. Subtle bits of information that get people talking. “I hear Dave is really having a lot of trouble getting his alpaca farm up and running.” People will start sharing the story in the breakroom. “Did you hear, turns out Dave's neighbor is 100% anti-alpaca, and he’s getting a lawyer to stop Dave's farm plans. Keep the ruse going, and build on it. Lawyer fees, angry fights with the spouse, if you’re really into authenticity, get a divorce, and say your wife couldn’t handle being second fiddle to an alpaca. Keep building, adding to the story, and then, just before New Year’s Eve, tell the sad tale of the whole idea going up in smoke. No more alpacas, no more farm, no more living your dream. People will feel bad for you and at the New Year’s Eve party when you say, “I resolve not to start an alpaca farm and to put this entire hurtful event behind me.” People will cheer, pat you on the back, and offer all the support they can. You get admiration from the office, and you have successfully skirted the New Year’s Resolution fiasco.
Simply commit to the unbreakable resolution, and you’ll be fine.
Other Resolutions
For some, it might not be possible to play the alpaca farm card; that’s okay, there are always other options. The trick is finding one that you can believably sell to the crowd without twisting yourself into a knot trying to keep growing. And start building your foundation early enough. Here are a few that may work for you.
Mail Order Bride
This one is easy. Start by talking about being lonely, wanting to start dating again, but being uneasy after your last terrible break-up. Then complain about online dating sites. Then announce that you’ve decided to get a mail-order Russian bride. Share pictures of her, talk about the letters you’re sending back and forth, how you thought, when you started, that mail-order braids were an arcane way of meeting someone. But after time and communicating with Svetlana, you’ve changed your mind. Build up how close you’ve become through your correspondence. Then, a few days before New Year’s, tell everyone that your bride arrived but that the mail-order service in Russia forgot to poke holes in the box they shipped her in and she died. You are heartbroken and don’t know what to do. At the New Year’s Eve party, tell the gathered folks that your resolution is never to get engaged to a mail-order bride again. Sympathy will be mixed in with support, and you’ll dodge the resolution bullet.
A Life of Crime
This one is for the truly committed because it requires a long game. Start about a year out, complaining about the wealthy. They get everything, they are above the law, they have the best stuff, they get all the laughy taffy they want, and so on. Complain about billionaires and say things like, I am going to do something about it. Talk about your favorite heist films and about gangsters who got away with robberies and bank heists. Spend time casing museums and at work, talk about how easy it would be to just walk out with a painting. Then spout off about the proletariat and how the rich deserve to have their wealth taken away. Then, a week before New Year's, tell everyone that you walked into a 7-11 late last night and tried to rob the place. You couldn’t because you felt bad for the kid working behind the counter, and that you were afraid of the gun in your pocket, and you realized, maybe this wasn’t for you. Then, party and you loudly resolve never to hold up a 7-11 again. Relief and support from the crowd. Best of all, you dodged the resolution bullet.
The Takeaway
No one really likes making a New Year’s resolution, and if they do, then they probably eat Grape Nuts and jog across the country just to see if they can. Those are not the people you want or need to emulate. Let them resolve, let them make impossible promises to the universe. Armed with the knowledge of the unbreakable resolution, you can feel safe and easy walking into this year’s party.
If you just need to make a resolution to start your year off right, do that, enjoy that, and be happy. But if you’re like me and you hate the whole resolution nightmare, you now have a tool to avoid it, avoid the guilt, and start your new year off right.
We here at ThoughtLab support you either way. All we want is for you to have a good, safe, fun, and exciting New Year; it’s entirely up to you. We don't need you to be better, or jog more, or give up fried food; we just need you to be safe and happy.
So, maybe that’s the honest answer: “This year I resolve just to be happy.”
That’s a resolution we can all get behind—happy New Year from all of us here at ThoughtLab.
